Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Are my feet made of real feet?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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