Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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