how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
