Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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