I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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