My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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