There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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