Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
