I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
