im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
