What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
