Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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