shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
