The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
