GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
