Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
