Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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