In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
