dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
