I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
