I wish I only lived at night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
