I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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