You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
