Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize