I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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