What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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