I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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