he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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