Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
