I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize