Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
