I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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