the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
