Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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