if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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