I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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