put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize