Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
