Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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