I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
