I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
