"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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