my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My vagina is officially offended.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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