Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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