I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the day after is always just damage control
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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