I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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