you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
