you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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