Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
