I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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