i don't like sucking hair
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
