Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
