Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This toilet bowl is my home.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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