Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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