Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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