Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
